8:14 a.m. – I had spent the past week in Hawaii with my family so leave from there. Fly for 8 hours with tiny Asian girl in the seat in front of me who looks just like the kid from Monsters, Inc. Freakin’ adorable. She cries for an hour straight. I hate her. She starts watching Frozen on her laptop. She is adorable once more. Secretly watch movie through gap in seats. Great flight.
My final stop in Thailand was a place in the northwest called Pai. It’s an extremely hipster area that is dotted with coffee shops/vegan restaurants and is surrounded by waterfalls and natural formations. In order to get to these places, the main method of transport is renting a moped.
My shaving cream was confiscated at the airport and I needed some to look presentable for my future Australian wife. I go to 7/11. Everything is in Thai and extremely confusing. Grab a bottle that looks like shaving cream. Only English word on the bottle is “white” which I don’t really understand. Assume that it’s either referring to the color of the foam or that black people aren’t allowed to shave in Thailand. Racists. Go to the counter to try and communicate with the cashier.
It’s my second day in Chiang Mai, Thailand and I spend most of it walking around the city checking out temples. It’s exhausting and I decide to treat myself to a Thai massage. And yes, just a massage. Perverts. I don’t have many lines, but paying for sex is one of them. Besides, I’ve never really understood the point of a handjob. Why let a girl make a mockery of something that I perfected in the 6th grade?
I’m walking home late at night in Bangkok when a ladyboy (another word for a transvestite) walks straight up to me and attacks my genitals. Dear god his(its?) hands are powerful. Feel emasculated. Freak out and push away. I start walking and reach into my pockets. Realize wallet is gone. Cheeky bastard pick pocketed me. Apparently the maneuver is balls with one hand, flip out wallet with the other.
The following is the story of my flight and first night in Bangkok, Thailand. Enjoy.