8:14 a.m. – I had spent the past week in Hawaii with my family so leave from there. Fly for 8 hours with tiny Asian girl in the seat in front of me who looks just like the kid from Monsters, Inc. Freakin’ adorable. She cries for an hour straight. I hate her. She starts watching Frozen on her laptop. She is adorable once more. Secretly watch movie through gap in seats. Great flight.
4:00 p.m. in Japan – Have a 4 hour layover before flying to Bangkok. Thanks to this card my grandma gave me, I have access to the United Airlines premiere club thing in the airport. Don’t know what to do for 4 hours and too afraid to nap and miss my flight.
4:10 p.m. – Discover that they serve unlimited free beer, cocktails, and chicken nuggets in this place. Beautiful combination. Devise a game for myself. The rules: 1. Become drunkest person in airport 2. See how many chicken nuggets I can eat in 4 hours.
6:00 p.m. – Proceed to get very drunk. There are 2 bars in different rooms so alternate between them so bar people don’t recognize the state of my alcoholism.
7:00 p.m. – Assume I’ve set a world record for chicken nuggets eaten. Go to refill plate. Accidentally knock huge wok over that holds all the chicken nuggets. See people staring at me. Casually stretch to cover up mistake. Flawless execution. No one knows who did it.
8:00 p.m. – Board plane and pass out. Wake up and watch The Godfather. Cinematic masterpiece.
10:00 p.m. – Arrive in Bangkok. Take 30 minute taxi ride to Khao San Road, the backpacker’s Mecca. Asian woman with strong jawline asks if I want “fuckity fuck”. Pat her on the Adam’s apple and politely decline.
10:45 p.m. – Begin hunt for my fiancé, preferably Australian. Meet Australian guy named Oskar. Close, but wrong gender. Oskar and his two girl friends want to see a ping pong show and ask if I want to join. Go see sketchy Asian women shoot ping-pong balls from their vaginas with random strangers I just met? Absolutely.
11:30 p.m. – Take a tuk-tuk ride to the ping-pong show. A tuk-tuk is essentially a motorcycle with a carriage attached to the back. Quickly realize that stop signs and other driving regulations mean nothing here. Almost die in horrific car crash multiple times. See life flash before my eyes. One of the girls keeps screaming a high-pitched noise. Look at girls and see their mouths are closed…Realize noise is coming from me.
11:45 p.m. – Arrive safely at destination. Thank all major and minor deities for safe transport. Go into dark room with around 20 other travelers. Two middle aged Asian women are on stage in the middle. One of them opens a champagne bottle with her vagina…how is that even possible? Begins loading ping pong balls in vagina and firing them out with terrifying velocity. Have to do a matrix maneuver to avoid projectiles. Thailand does not disappoint.
2:00 a.m. – Get separated from friends and head back to the hostel. Run into Oskar. He’s withdrawing money because he got arrested and has to pay off the police. He tried to buy weed from a tuk-tuk driver. Bad move. The tuk-tuk driver had a deal with the police. The guy gave Oskar weed and then dropped him off at the police station. He ended up paying $400 to get out of jail. Don’t trust the tuk-tuks.
2:15 a.m. – Have to take a shit before going to bed but there’s no toilet paper in any of the stalls. Oskar tells me you just “use the bum gun”. Look and see hose attached to wall next to toilet. No way this is gonna work… totally works. Toilet paper outdated.
And thus concludes my first night. Hope you all enjoyed.
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