Thai Massage with a G-Rated Happy Ending

It’s my second day in Chiang Mai, Thailand and I spend most of it walking around the city checking out temples. It’s exhausting and I decide to treat myself to a Thai massage. And yes, just a massage. Perverts. I don’t have many lines, but paying for sex is one of them. Besides, I’ve never really understood the point of a handjob. Why let a girl make a mockery of something that I perfected in the 6th grade?

Enter massage place. Receptionist is very attractive. Briefly re-evaluate stance on happy endings. She leads me to the back room where I meet my masseuse. She is a stocky Thai woman in her 60’s with several teeth missing and a nice mole on the upper lip. I’m not sure what her name is in Thai, but I assume it roughly translates to Olga.

She leads me to the massage room and leaves to let me change. There are loose, flowy clothes for me to put on. Shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve been practicing putting on my clothes for years. Slide the shirt on like a champ. Hit a roadblock with the pants. They’re absolutely massive and I can’t get them to stay up.

They have two really long strings on the front that are clearly the solution to my problem but I can’t figure it out for the life of me. Try tying them in a bow in the front. Pants fall to my ankles. Why did I think that could work? Try looping them over my shoulders and wearing them like suspenders. They don’t reach. Give up and yell for Thai Olga to come help me. Putting on these pants should be a prerequisite for Mensa members.

Olga comes in, points, laughs and says “Oh you wear boxers?”. Damn right Olga, and it’s gonna stay that way. She takes off my pants, turns them around so that the strings are in the back, and then takes them from the back and ties them in the front (also known as a belt). As she does this, she shouts something over her shoulder in Thai. I don’t speak Thai, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it wasn’t a compliment to my intelligence.

The massage begins. Olga is a master of her craft. She’s walking all over me with her knees and finding knots in my back that I didn’t even know existed. Spends an inordinate amount of time massaging my butt cheeks. Feels spectacular, don’t complain.

The massage ends and I feel rejuvenated. Unfortunately, I can’t remember the name of the massage place but if you’re ever in Chiang Mai, search around for Thai Olga. She’ll be a stocky, Thai woman with a mole on her upper lip and hands crafted for dancing across butt cheeks.

 

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About the author

Hi my name is Nick Holke

I'm 24 years old and I'm from California. Currently, I'm teaching English in Madrid.

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