The Human Centipede: Vietnam Edition

I decide to fly into Hanoi, Vietnam because there is no way in hell that I’m taking a 20+ hour bus ride after my previous experience. The main attraction here is Halong Bay, and the only way to see it properly is via a tour.

I sign up for the highest rated tour which is called Castaway. It’s a 3-day, 2-night booze cruise that includes kayaking, rock climbing, and a bunch of other activities. There are roughly 30 people (about a 50/50 split of guys and girls) on this 3-story boat, and it’s all led by our tour guide Tom, whose sole purpose is to get everyone on the boat as drunk as possible.

After a fun day of kayaking and diving off the boat, Tom gets down to business. We play a drinking game that is too difficult to explain but things get interesting. By the end, I was wearing a girl’s dress and one guy had to lick another guy’s butt cheek.

The next day the boat stops off at a beach that has a couple of bungalows for us to sleep in. The day is filled with rock climbing, soccer, and tubing from behind a speedboat.castaway_tubing

As night approaches, Tom enters his element. We play another drinking game that culminates with the guys having to roll around in the sand naked and then having to come back and stand in front of the group. The two people who are voted the least sandy lose. Fortunately, I am not one of these people.

My friend Jon and another guy are deemed the losers. Both are handed a beer and told to shove a piece of toilet paper in their ass. The paper is then lit on fire and they have to finish the beer before the fire reaches the end. Jon makes it. The other guy isn’t so lucky and ends up with a singed butthole. Luckily, this fine moment in human achievement was captured on camera.

What happens in Vietnam, stays in Vietnam…unless, ya know, I have a picture

Jon’s the one on the right with the smirk on his face who looks a little too pleased to be attached at the butthole to another man.

Anyway, after that bizarre image was seared into my retinas, the drinking continues. A dance party ensues where I run through my usual repertoire (The Bernie, twerking, rolling around on the ground, etc.)

If you stay up late enough, these phosphorescent plankton start showing up in the water. You can’t see them from outside, but they respond to movement. When I get in the water and start swimming, there’s a bunch of bright neon green dots all around me. It’s like that part in “The Beach” with Leonardo Di Caprio when he swims around with the hot French girl.

Now, I’m not trying to draw a comparison between myself and Leo… but that’s exactly what I’m doing. Try and solidify that connection between us in your mind. Leonardo Di Caprio: a brilliant actor who dates supermodels; Nick Holke: that dude with a blog who has seen pictures of supermodels. We’re one and the same. Although, frankly, with the dad body that he’s rocking these days I think that I may have the upper hand. Bar Rafaeli here I come.

While it was a great time the booze cruise took its toll. I needed a full day of hung over misery before I was able to muster up the strength to do anything besides watch movies and eat kebabs. For the record, if you’re ever in Vietnam, there’s a kebab guy right outside Hanoi Backpaker’s Hostel. Go to him. That man is the Gordon Ramsay of street vendors. He doesn’t swear at you or anything. Just makes a mean kebab.

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About the author

Hi my name is Nick Holke

I’m 25 years old and am currently living in California.

If you wanna know a bit more about me and the website, click here.

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