The first stop on the crawl is a ladyboy cabaret. I’ve already been to one of these at this point on the trip, so I figure that there won’t be any surprises. Foolish.
We get there and it’s all pretty standard. Disturbingly attractive former Thai men do choreographed dances onstage to popular songs. One of the ladyboys is in such good shape that it makes some of the girls in the audience self-conscious. In addition to the ladyboys, there are also ladyboys in training on stage. They still have all their man parts but are dressed like Mr. Slave from South Park.
Once the dancing finishes, they announce that they need male volunteers from the audience to come up on stage. My friends start yelling my name and shove me up. I don’t fight it because I assume something funny is bound to happen. About five guys are brought up and then led backstage.
It’s cramped and there are about twenty ladyboys surrounding us five. They tell us to get down to our boxers and hand us wigs. Noting the number disadvantage, we readily oblige.
However, it is at this moment that I become fully aware of how odd the situation is. Normally when I’m drunk and doing stupid stuff, I just roll with it. But this time I take a step back and think, “huh, this is a pretty fucking weird situation I’m in right now.”
Like, say before I had ever planned my trip I went to a Psychic and she dramatically told me, “one day you will find yourself in Thailand wearing nothing but a wig and boxers and you’ll be surrounded by scantily clad transvestites,” I’d have told her to cut the shit and to give me my money back. But hey, I guess that just goes to show you that life uh…that life…well I’m not really sure what that shows. I’m sure there’s a life lesson in there somewhere. Maybe that life is like a box of chocolates; you never know when it’s gonna be filled with transvestites. Or something like that.
Anyway, I snap back to the present as they’re leading us on stage. As I’m walking on, a ladyboy in training grabs my junk and says “yep, you’re good,” and shoves me on stage before I have a chance to register what happened. That’s twice on this trip that I’ve been assaulted by ladyboys, god dammit. That’s two more times than I had allotted for that to happen in my entire life.
We go onstage and make fools of ourselves for a bit. See below.
The pub crawl then continues but I’m hitting a wall. I end up calling it a night pretty early and head back to the room.
I get back to the room and initially believe that I’m the only one there. Then the yelling commences from the bathroom. Lot’s of your typical “oh God Yes! That’s it!,” etc. Turns out one of the roommates is having really loud sex in the bathroom. Half the island must be able to hear this girl yelling but it’s still early in the night so I don’t really mind. Do your thing girl, although you might wake up with a hoarse voice tomorrow.
Amidst the bathroom opera I hear a swift knock on the door. I get up to answer since the other roommate is occupied and it turns out to be Mew, the kind security guard, except that he looks pissed. I’m the only person he can see in the room so he accuses me of making the noises.
Mew: “Why are you yelling! It’s late!”
Me: “Mew, a couple of things. One, do you honestly think I’m capable of making those noises? Two, even if I were capable of hitting that high of a note, would I really be sitting in a room by myself, yelling, ‘Oh god yes’?”.
Mew begins to see the error in his ways. As he does, the room directly to our right in the hallway opens up. A girl wearing a shirt and naked on the bottom half stumbles out and asks if she can use my bathroom. I try to explain that my bathroom is currently the most occupied bathroom on the island, unless there’s a bathroom orgy going on somewhere else that I missed out on.
She then turns around, bends over, and projectile vomits throughout the hallway, giving me a full view of her whispering eye. There is a period of stunned silence, broken suddenly by some intense clapping, and a final “OH GOD YES”. The pantsless girl takes this moment to slink back into her room, leaving just the three of us: me, Mew, and the vomit.
I look at him with pity. You were able to stop Mewtwo and helped Ash return from being stone, and now you’ve been reduced to cleaning vomit. I pat him on the shoulder, say “good luck” and head off to 7-11 to get me a toastie.
For those who have never heard of a toastie, they’re toasted sandwiches that 7-11 sells. They’re delicious but also crap. A good review of them is that seeing a girls’ asshole while she simultaneously erupted from the other end oddly enough made me crave a Toastie.If you enjoyed the post, please give it a share!