I‘m twenty-four years old and I’ve never been in a relationship. Well, unless you count those fiery three weeks in 6th grade when I dated a girl and we changed our AIM names to things like “ILuvUxoxo143” and I bought her soccer ball earrings for Valentine’s day because I was romantic as shit. But if we erase this fling from the record books, that’s twenty-four years of single solidarity. How did this happen? Because relationships and sex are two of my greatest insecurities and I’d like to tell you how this came to be.
It all started in fifth grade with the discovery of porn. I can still remember the first video that I ever watched: it was this grainy old thing, that looked like it had been filmed with a toaster, of a girl stripping and dancing on a chair. It was glorious.