Minute 1: Alright. Close your eyes. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Huh, this is kinda like when you went to the doctor last week, and he put that circle of Arctic death on your back to listen to your breathing. Why the hell is that thing always frozen? Frozen. Man, that movie has some irritatingly catchy music. Do you wanna build a snowmannn? Why the fuck am I singing this songggg? Ok, stop it. Stop thinking in music. You’re meditating.
Minutes 2: Okay, try focusing on the blackness of your closed eyelids. Just look into that emptiness and take slow, deep breaths. Relax. Let the warmth from the sunlight envelop you. Nice and comfortable….
Minute 6: Shit. Fell asleep. Remember when you watched that video about monks learning to meditate, and there was a guy who would walk around and whack them with a bamboo stick if they dozed off? That’s what you need. Where does one get a bamboo stick? Or a zen master to wield it? Walmart for the bamboo stick. Maybe for the zen master as well? Who knows, they’ve got pretty much everything there. Tangent! You’re on a bamboo tangent! Bring it back. New idea, meditate with eyes open to prevent sleeping.
Minute 8: Eyes open is nice. You can gaze at the plants and the trees. Try to concentrate intensely on that leaf over there. It’s so vibrantly green. It looks just like a tree star from The Land Before Time.
Man, those things looked delicious. Lucky dinosaurs. Although, the voice actress for Ducky ended up getting killed by her dad. Life is sad. You know what else is sad? You, and your pathetic attempts at meditating!! You are weak! Focus, dammit. Only two minutes left.
Minute 10: You are in the zone. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Feel your lungs expand, and then contract. Think only of your breathing. Only of your breath-SEX-ing…uhh, right. Deep breath in, deep breath SEXXX…out. Breath in-HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW…. shit. Do we really need to do this now? DO YOU NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMETHING NOW? YES. ANSWER IS YESSS. You couldn’t let me go ten minutes? Although, this is better than on the bus. Why always on the bus? BUS SEX IS HOTTT. No it’s not! Have you seen those seats? And then we’ve got to try and deal with the boner tuck when we get up for our stop, and one of these days we’re gonna mess up and go outside the shirt, and then we’ll get arrested for public indecency, but at least we’ll get plenty of sex in jail right?! Yeahh, you’re quiet now bitch. Good lord, are we still meditating?
Minute 13?: Okay, there must be a mistake with the timer. Let’s have a look at the phone…3 minutes left. No fucking way. Maybe you’re such an advanced meditator that you can slow time? Fuck it – meditation ends early todayIf you enjoyed the post, please give it a share!