Category - Thailand

1
The Highway to Hell is a Bus Ride to Laos
2
Reverse Stereotypes and Anal Confusion
3
Dye, Drinking, and Dragon
4
Thai Massage with a G-Rated Happy Ending
5
Whippits and Hospital Visits

The Highway to Hell is a Bus Ride to Laos

The ethereal scenery pictured above is located in the lovely country of Laos.

In order to reach this paradise, I had to take a 14-hour bus ride from Thailand that was one of the most miserable experiences of my life. This is the story of that journey.

Prior to the bus ride, I’m hungry and need a snack. Decide in infinite wisdom to purchase the craziest looking snack I can find to try and experience the culture. This will become important later in the bus ride.

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Reverse Stereotypes and Anal Confusion

My final stop in Thailand was a place in the northwest called Pai. It’s an extremely hipster area that is dotted with coffee shops/vegan restaurants and is surrounded by waterfalls and natural formations. In order to get to these places, the main method of transport is renting a moped.

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Dye, Drinking, and Dragon

My shaving cream was confiscated at the airport and I needed some to look presentable for my future Australian wife. I go to 7/11. Everything is in Thai and extremely confusing. Grab a bottle that looks like shaving cream. Only English word on the bottle is “white” which I don’t really understand. Assume that it’s either referring to the color of the foam or that black people aren’t allowed to shave in Thailand. Racists. Go to the counter to try and communicate with the cashier.

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Thai Massage with a G-Rated Happy Ending

It’s my second day in Chiang Mai, Thailand and I spend most of it walking around the city checking out temples. It’s exhausting and I decide to treat myself to a Thai massage. And yes, just a massage. Perverts. I don’t have many lines, but paying for sex is one of them. Besides, I’ve never really understood the point of a handjob. Why let a girl make a mockery of something that I perfected in the 6th grade?

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Whippits and Hospital Visits

I’m walking home late at night in Bangkok when a ladyboy (another word for a transvestite) walks straight up to me and attacks my genitals. Dear god his(its?) hands are powerful. Feel emasculated. Freak out and push away. I start walking and reach into my pockets. Realize wallet is gone. Cheeky bastard pick pocketed me. Apparently the maneuver is balls with one hand, flip out wallet with the other.

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